The NBA...it's FAAAAAANTASTIC!

Now that RJ has officially predicted the end of my natural life with the Celtics picking Yi Jianlain tomorrow night with the 5^th pick, let’s take a look at what the Celtics should do.

(1) Trade the No. 5 pick, Gerald Green, the defective robot posing as Sebastian Telfair and Theo Ratliff’s expiring contract for Shawn Marion.

The proposed three-way deal would have the Suns sending Kurt Thomas, along with the Celtics sending the above to Minny, KG to Phoenix and Marion to the Celtics. This is the best option for the C’s as it will give them a nucleus of Pierce, Marion and Big Al at the 2-4 in a big lineup, with Delonte West/Rajon Rondo filling up the rest of the backcourt and Kendrick Perkins/a bag of onions in the middle. Shit, they could put Yinka Dare at the 5 and still win 45+ games in the East.

But this isn’t happening.

First, Marion, along with the rest of the NBA, has no desire to play in Boston (whether it be for reasons of concern about the formerly racist tendencies of Boston fans [outdated], the cold weather [true, but Detroit’s no better], or because they’ve sucked since the early 90’s [ding ding ding!]).

Second, Minny won’t partake in the deal unless the Celtics throw in Big Al, which they will not do (I give Ainge credit for this). So, this leads to the next best option….

(2) Trade Down in the Draft.

In theory, this is a great idea…trade down a few picks, pick up a veteran bench player that can help guide the youths, and still get a high quality player in a loaded draft. One problem…who is the trading partner? The No. 5 pick will clearly have allure for, well, everyone, but the only teams willing to talk with the C’s want to trade picks (Philly, Phoenix) or want Big Al thrown in (Minny). Neither option gets them the veteran they need.

One rumor I want to start is Golden State trading Monta Ellis and the No. 18 pick to the Celtics for the No. 5, so GSW can pick Yi (the only team on which I think he can excel his first year). This would give the C’s a legitimate backcourt scoring threat to push Pierce to the 3, keep the double teams off Jefferson down low, and let them net someone like Josh McRoberts (a good fit for this team) or Thaddeus Young (he won’t be around, but this is my fantasy, damnit!) at 18. Granted, this team would have a defense looser than Tara Reid, but, like her, they would be entertaining. Well since nobody is pushing this idea but me, this leads to a pretty good fallback in….

(3) Keeping the pick.

This is what will happen tomorrow night, and will lead to me having significant diarrhea for the first 4 picks in the draft. I will have nightmare flashbacks of Eric Montross, Jerome Moiso, Joe Forte, Kedrick Brown, Michael Smith, etc. I’m predicting that I’ll have that look Don Zimmer had after he charged Pedro and whiffed...totally helpless, irritated, and resembling a gerbil (sans the gerbil part).

The C’s need an impact player now – NOT another project for the future. I don’t care if Yi will be a cross between David Thompson, Kevin Garnett and Ron Harper in five years. What the Celtics need is a player that can come in, contribute 25-30 minutes a night, play some defense, hustle and know how to play the role of the third banana to Jefferson and Pierce. This leaves two viable options at No. 5 – Corey Brewer and Jeff Green.

Either pick will satisfy me tomorrow. I’m partial to Green because: (1) he has the “NBA body”, a term which unfortunately gives me haunting memories of a Lexington Steel video I saw once, but I digress; (2) he will be the consummate “glue guy” – a rich man’s Jared Dudley in this draft; (3) can play down on the block if needed; (4) the only knock on him is his unselfishness, which will work well in this system. Plus, a lineup of Perkins, Jefferson, Green, Pierce and Rondo, or Jefferson, Green, Pierce, West, Rondo, is at least a .500 team in a weak East.

Brewer will be an upgrade defensively at the 2 guard spot, and will give the Celtics legitimately good defenders at the 1 and 2. Combined with Pierce at the 3 (at a minimum an average team defender), this leaves the C’s really only missing a shot blocking/defensive force at the 5 to clean up for Big Al (I swear a wet paper bag dropped 20 and 12 on him last year). And, no Celtics fans, Kendrick Perkins doesn’t count. Brewer’s too thin, has a weak handle, and may have an inflated value due to playing on a great Florida team, but he played his best in big games, and is the only guy in the draft other than Oden that will be a guaranteed defensive upgrade at their respective positions.

Being that it is the Celtics, we will draft Yi and I’ll throw myself through my wall. And with this as my gut feeling, feel free to call me a masochist for putting myself through this. I love this game!