Since this is something that the two of us have been discussing for literally 8-plus years now, I believe that we now have the forum for some honest dialogue regarding this issue: the All-Time All-Ugly NBA team. Since I'm writing this post I'll take this opportunity to set the scope and standards for the team:
1) A player's actually ability on the court militates in favor of his inclusion. For instance, Keith Closs is horrendously ugly but was also a horrendous player. Patrick Ewing is also very ugly, not as ugly as Keith Closs, but his prowess on the court would give him the nod for the team. This does not preclude a truly ugly player from getting in if he was minimally skilled...just resolves the issue in favor of the better player should their skill levels be similar.
A note on Closs: and a complete drunk, so much so that his teammates actually dropped his unconscious ass at a police station somewhere in mid-Michigan, under a Xmas tree no less, after getting fed up with his drunkinaegans...look it up, its really worth a whole post, i've digressed.
2) The era the player competed in needs to factor in. Obviously, despite some players attempts to revive the trend, the afro did not always look the best on many players in the 70's (most of them white). Regardless, this trend needs to be put into its historical perspective when evaluating the player's ugliness. Steve Nash's fashion mullet of two years ago is, however, permitted to be a factor since nobody was sporting that...even the Eastern European players.
3) All players are eligible. This includes current players. Obviously it is an All-Time team however so the goal is really to look for a player's career achievements in being really ugly.
4) Most importantly, no one factor is determinative of the player's All-Ugly inclusion. Basically, thats why its fun.
With that said...here are my starting five (subject to change as I think of more uglies):
PG: Sam Cassell. I won't listen to any debate on this. Absolutely nothing on this guy's face is symetrical. He has eyes in weird places and ears at different levels. He kinda looks like Picasso tried to paint an NBA player. He's had a solid, although not hall of fame career, but mostly he's really ugly and makes ridiculously ugly faces at refs all the time.
SG: Reggie Miller...please debate me on this one too. He looks like one of those aliens wearing a people suit in Men In Black. Had Bob Horry played for the Pacers the cycle would have been complete.
SF: Larry Bird. I would also accept Scottie Pippen as an answer. Bird however was lilly white (as there is apparently no sun in Boston...nor French Lick, IN), had absolutely no muscle definition, and wore that ridiculous mini-mustache. The worst part is he may have actually looked worse WITHOUT the 'stache. Also, I can't hold the mini-mullet against him because that was in style at the time, however he did have that coarse blond mane that pretty much no woman would want to run their hands through if he was anyone other than Larry Bird. Oh, and the best part: he has absolutely no chin which made him look like a really weird bird. Obviously his on the court abilities elevate him over some other potential choices (the aforementioned Pippen, Jamal Mashburn, among others).
PF: Dennis Rodman. Putting aside that this freakshow actually worked to make himself uglier, he still had quite a base to work off of. There is no comparison to the hair thing (other than Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man). In a way, Rodman was somewhat of an ugly-pioneer as the first player to really tattoo himself way too much (a trend that is thankfully regressing). Rodman's nostrils were also cavernous. Popeye Jones deserves mention here as well as Bo Outlaw (who I actually thought was the same person as Popeye).
C: Pat Ewing. I'm not sure this is necessarily open for debate either. Kareem could questionably be here. There are definitely worse looking players to have manned the center position (Gheorge Mueresan, Rick Smits, Wang ZhiZhi, Meng Bateer, my buddy Keith Closs, and more). But Ewing is the quintessential All-time Al-Ugly team member. He is the perfect combination of basketball skills and performance with sheer ugliness. Adding to his mystique is that he is about 40 lbs. heavier now than at the end of his playing career (probably the best part about G'town's run to the Final Four was watching Fat Ewing).
Let the debate begin.
