Another Reason to Hate the Pistons

RJ, read this loud and clear - I couldn't be happier rooting for the shitty Celtics after watching your team take a dump down the stretch in Games 3, 4 and 5.

First, fuck the Pistons. Not only do I have to take a picture of me wearing a Devil's team shirt to satisfy my claim that the series would not last more than five games, I actually found myself rooting for the Stones just to avoid that happening. I almost threw up in my mouth at least half a dozen times when yelling "C'mon Chauncey, make a play" or "good board, 'Sheed." I honestly hope I never have to do that again.

Second, what an absolute meltdown by the supposed "most consistent" team in the league. Apparently the "on-off" switch style of play has caught up with them. Check out the stats of some notable Pistons players this series:

Billups: 40% shooting, 3.8 Assists, 4.67 Turnovers, 16 PPG

Rip: 40% shooting, 4 Rebounds, 3.5 Assists, 2 turnovers, 16 PPG

Sheed: 15 PPG, 8 Rebounds, 2 Assists, 1 Turnover, 2.33 blocks

The Human Coat Hanger: 30% shooting, 10 PPG, 6 Rebounds, 4 Assists, 3 Turnovers.

The Artist Formerly Known as Chris Webber: 12 PPG, 6 Rebounds, 2 Assists, 2 Turnovers

What worse, the Pistons have failed where they have thrived in recent years: down the stretch.

Game 3: Game tied at 68 at the 8 minute mark, Cleveland picks up 8 points to lead by 8 with 3 minutes left. Then the Stones went on a little run, which led everyone to expect they would flip the "on" switch and put the Cavs away. Even when Billups hit the 14 footer with about 30 seconds left to pull them within 2, I thought my guarantee was in the bag. Well, Detroit let LBJ get a decent look from 15, the Human Coat Hanger fired up a 27 footer that clanged off, and suddenly the Cavs had life. I'm still confident at this point I don't have to don that hideous N and Y logo.

Game 4: The Pistons go up 4 points on an early Maxiell dunk in the 4th, still held that lead at the 8 minute mark, only to let the Cavs - mind you, one of the worst offense teams in the playoffs that has, count them, ONE legitimate offensive threat - go on a 16-4 run in 5 minutes. If Cleveland had any other plays besides high screen for LBJ and let everyone watch, this game is in the books at the 3 minute mark. Instead, the Cavs keep the Pistons in the game, and hold on for the win to tie up the series and send a stark raving mad Scott in a drinking frenzy....

Game 5: The Pistons give up a 6 point in the last 3:15 to the one-man-team LBJ, and then only made it to double overtime because (1) Mike Brown may have the brain power of Lindsay Lohan on OxyContin; and (2) he was the only person in the arena who thought burning his last timeout with 30 seconds left up two wouldn't come back to haunt him. To even get to OT, the Stones let LBJ walk through the lane with 9 seconds left like A-Rod at a strip club (thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week). In OT, if Vareajo doesn't commit that stupid foul with 30 ticks left, Brown doesn't call the time out, the Cavs actually had an offense to design the play around, or Eric Snow/Lebron don't reach in on Chauncey, this game doesn't reach the Second OT.

Now, with the Cavs up 3-2 heading home, this is starting to look like a bigger upset than Miss Japan over Miss Venezuela and Miss Brazil (an absolute travesty by the way). But I digress...

Speaking of Lebron, mea culpa. What a virtuoso performance by LBJ - he single-handedly won that game for Cleveland. I'm fully expecting someone to bust out an ode to Brent Musburger and drop a "whirling dervish" reference in Game 6. The first thing that came to mind watching this game was when Big Shot/Flying Elbow Bob went off for 21 Fourth Quarter points a few years ago for the Spurs - except Lebron was way more magnificent in every possible way offensively. Granted, if he doesn't make a few of those 23 foot heaves with the shot clock running down, the Stones are up 3-2 and everyone is penciling them in for the Finals. Instead, people will talk about Lebron's performance as one for the ages.

As for the Stones, they do not look like the same team everyone has admired for the last three years. Dumb mistakes, costly turnovers, missing open jumpers, and poor defense at crucial times. Hey! I feel like I'm watching the Celtics.

It is a disappointing situation for Pistons fans facing elimination in the "Mistake by the Lake" knowing that: (1) Billups may leave after this season (although his post-season performance will certainly decrease his market value, and few teams can pay him the money he expects, as Chris Sheridan tackled earlier this week); (2) the team is paying Nazr Mohammed $24 million over the next four years (AAAAAAAAHAHA!); (3) McDyess may opt out; (4) they are paying $30 million over the next 3 years to the most one dimensional player in the sport since Reggie Miller in Rip Hamilton; and (5) Flip Saunders is still their coach.

Now all Pistons fans will inevitably respond with three things:

(1) I root for the Celtics, so who am I to talk?

True, but we have Doc Rivers as coach and a team full of college kids, so we are supposed to suck.

(2) Rip is a well-rounded player and if Billups comes back, even if we lose this year, our backcourt will still be formidable for the next few.

Horseshit. I'll admit that I like Billups, but luckily the pent-up angst I have for the C's giving up on him too soon still enables me to hate watching him.

As for Rip, there is no better player in the league at coming off screens, but his rep as an above average defender is the product of playing on the Pistons. Shit, Uncle Cliff Robinson got on the NBA Second Team All-Defense for the first time playing for the Pistons...at age 35. Rip is Reggie Miller with less range. He doesn't rebound from the two-guard spot, isn't a playmaker putting the ball on the deck, and only recently finally wised to get rid of the balding-braids look. Plus, he still has the stupid face mask.

(3) This series isn't over yet.

I agree, but only because the Pistons are playing the Cavs. This has been an extremely painful series to watch. After getting spoiled with fan-friendly games from Golden State and Phoenix, the Cavs-Pistons series is like going from Scottsdale during spring break to Ann Arbor in the dead of winter - the eye-candy drop-off is unbelievable. And the series has not featured great defense as much as the Cavs' and Pistons' complete offensive ineptitude. While at least the Pistons have the potential to put up points and establish an offensive flow, the Cavs run absolutely no offense whatsoever. How Mike Brown even has a job is 100% beyond me. If the Stones put the clamps on LBJ in Games 6 and 7, they can move on...but I don't expect it with the colossal dump they took down the stretch in Games 3, 4 and 5.

Thank God I root for the Celtics...at least we are supposed to suck.